The last day of 2021 dawned with brilliant blue skies cloaked in moody purple winter clouds. It’s always a day that I enjoy and I have a few tiny traditions that I keep up yearly. For one, I remove all Christmas decorations. It took me a long time to finally understand why I have always had a tricky time with Christmas. Some of my loved ones poke gentle fun at me, calling me a Scrooge and well yes, perhaps I am a wee bit scroogey around this time of year. But it dawned up me a couple years ago that it’s the CLUTTER of the season that creates anxiety in me. It’s not the actually season itself, it’s all the STUFF that I have felt obligated to put out. So the gift I have given myself is minimizing what I display. Choosing carefully from the multitudes of boxes, I can create a sparkly festive scene in my home without feeling like I am gasping for air. Admittedly, I do enjoy the process of putting it all away, which I allow myself complete indulgence in. As I clean and tidy, I light some sandalwood incense, placed carefully in my altar and say a wee blessing for my home, for my family and for the the upcoming year. It varies year to year, but only slightly.
One other thing I try and do before the year turns fresh is choose a word I want to have guide me. Sometimes I search for days for this word and other times it’s just THERE, deliberate and staunch in my mind.
I have learned a lot about myself this year. We all have, haven’t we? I have learned that I need to be okay with my firmness in my own beliefs. That I am allowed to honour my strengths. And when others choose to view me and who I am as negative and they no longer allow a connection with me, well, I am learning to muddle my way through accepting that. After all, what other people think of me is none of my damn business. Being misunderstood is heart wrenching. Not being able to communicate is suffocating. Finding yourself tossed away as useless ballast in a storm where we should all be huddled together for protection is demoralizing. It creates an emotional vortex of anger, pity, self-hate and deep deep sadness.
I’ve lost a relationship. And I have gained others. And through all this turmoil, I have sought to not blame or stew in resentment but rather to embrace the change. It ain’t easy. But it’s worth the try. I turned 50 this year and all those juicy life-lessons the women who’ve tread before us speak of are so true.
So my word this year is UNAPOLOGETIC. I will not apologize for who I am. No sorry here. I am a strong-willed, outspoken, opinionated woman. I love hard, I care deeply, I will defend and speak out even if it might make someone uncomfortable. I will no longer tolerate my voice being deemed as too loud. I will strive to be me, to be true to my own self. I will not alter me to suit anyone’s expectations. To create a reverence for myself, a gentle permission to be who I have always been.
May the upcoming year find you immersed in unexpected joy and sweetness and may you find the strength to carry through any dark days that may dawn.
Happy New Year.
Life On The Lake 