Today is the last day of 2009. Back in my childhood, the thought of the year 2010 conjured up for me visions of cars that could fly and robots that did housework. In retrospect, apparently The Jetsons had a lot of influence over me.
So. Like many people, as the new year dawns, I think about what I can change about myself. I deeply believe in becoming a better person in my own spirit and have gone through many mind-opening revelations about my own true self in the past several years. It is always an uphill climb. But so worth it. I think I have become more aware, more empathetic, more kind, more loving, more open.
However. I still curse like a motherf*cking, drunken-*ss, sh*t-kicking redneck.
It was easier to quit smoking than to quit cursing. Really.
See, when you smash your finger in a drawer, or drop a full plate of food on your clean floor, or discover you shrunk your new sweater in the wash, nothing… and I mean nothing sums that feeling up better than a good ol’ fashioned expletion of “MOTHERFUCK!!!!!!” Sometimes, I throw in a “Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ” or perhaps a PG 13 “Goddamnit”. Smatterings of “Shit” and “Cock knocker” are like a pressure release valves on my temper. I have even been known to use the dreaded C word.
For a while there, I tried using the phrase “For five cents” to alleviate any frustrations I had. Soon, like a junkie, that was no longer good enough for me, and I doctored it to be “For five fucking cents”. Much like the saying “Shut the front door!” to offset the overuse of swearing became “Shut the front fucking door!”, which, in my opinion has such an exquisite roll off the tongue.
I have sworn in front of my children. More than once.
I am making small baby-step gains in this though. Last week, I did something stupid that normally would merit an extravagant torrent of cussing. Instead I let forth a “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE” at the top of my lungs. My daughter later told me she was proud that I didn’t say the F word. Truthfully, saying fudge just doesn’t feel the same…. But as I look closely at my self, I know that this terrible and horrible habit of mine needs to be fixed.
So, 2010 is the year I try to not swear. Or not swear as much. And especially not swear in front of my kids anymore.
Wish me luck, for fuck’s sake.