I admit it.

18 02 2016

One time, when I was in grade 10, I was asked to join my English teacher in the hallway for a little chat.

I likely rolled my eyes at her, which she might not have actually even seen. You know, because of the blinding glare from my giant 80s glasses, reflecting the fluorescent lights above. My perfectly back-combed hair stood rigid above my brow, and I was wearing my favourite skin-tight pink dress. The same kind of dress that I’d like to think Christina Applegate’s character on Love and Marriage would have worn. What was her name?

Kelly. Kelly Bundy.

Anyways. I don’t really remember exactly why I was in trouble but I do know that I 100% deserved it. Whatever it was. Mouthing off in class, talking, being rude. Just a regular day for me.

I stood in front of her, as she stared up at me, her furious little face pinched in hatred and anger. As I looked down on her, me: 5’8″. Mrs. C:  5’2″ or maybe 5’3″… I remember that I crossed my arms and gave her my absolute best version of the  epic 15 year old bitch-ass teenage girl STARE DOWNS. Oh, you know the kind. The glare.  The pursed lips, the sullen eyes. The sighs. I stared her at her little face with the Dorothy Hammill bob. Oh my god, I hated that hair-do, and I kept staring her down. I knew she probably wanted to haul off and slap my face off my face.

She had had enough and said to me:

“Kristine, you are a little BITCH.”

And I.. I was all… I… she called me a bitch…. I said to myself. I was left open-mouthed in awe of her epic rudeness. How dare she?

After our altercation, I think I left class and went outside, I actually can’t remember what I did.

This memory popped into my mind this week after dealing with an issue about personal accountability with my kid.

I remember being so indignant, that Mrs C was in the wrong and that I was so fucking hard done by and that she was the little bitch, NOT ME… But I do remember a few years later, that I realized… HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS….

I was a LITTLE BITCH.

It opened up dialogue about owning up to our own short-comings in relationships we have with people in our lives. Sometimes, I think about some person who pissed me off and like 99% of the time, I grudgingly admit and silently recognize a part of me that contributed to the situation.. Just like we are part of good laughs among friends, we are equally a part of the negative shit too.

Well, it’s a journey I am no where near mastering, this is for sure. It’s tough as hell to admit when you’ve helped create the bad stuff. To admit what you’ve put into that circumstance. To accept responsibility.

But then you learn from it and move forward.

 





One time…

8 02 2015

One time in high school when I think I was in grade 9, we were all in the gym for some sort of assembly.

We all filed in; everyone seating themselves on the pull-out bleachers as the generic high school popularity hierarchy dictates. Cool people there, not-so-cool people here. The in-betweens, well… they sat in between.

I found myself sitting one row above and to the right above the VERY COOL GIRLS. Directly below me, about two rows was a girl named Emma. I was generally ambivalent about Emma. I eagerly desired to be one of the VERY COOL GIRLS, but as I have said before, my high school career was at best a function in trying (and failing) to fit in and then me just giving up and accepting that high school popularity wasn’t meant for me.

But I digress. My buddy sitting next to me (another one of the NOT SO VERY COOL GIRLS) said something to me and I guffawed loudly, and unknowingly spit my gum out of my mouth. It sailed through the air and landed smack dab in the middle of Emma’s pseudo 80s girl mullet.

She reached back and touched the gum and I…. I (was and am one of those people who laugh at the most inappropriate times) collapsed into a fit of laughter that my inner I WANT TO BE COOL self started trying her damndest to get me to shut the fuck up. But no. Giggles and mirth issued forth, like a real asshole I kinda sorta was.

All the VERY COOL GIRLS noticed (naturally) and gave me a variety of dirty sneers and looks that only meant one thing.

My entrance to their club was NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

My giggles petered off, the assembly went on, I approached Emma after and tried to help her get the gum out of her hair. SO hey, Emma… wherever you are, girl I am so sorry…. I hope the peanut butter I suggested worked…

And I… I still laugh at the most inappropriate times.