So I’m going to turn 43 in just over a month.
43!!! Like, if that was a chapter in a book, you might almost be done the book. Just let that sink in…. let it percolate. 43. Man, this life is zipping by, gang. But it’s sure been a fun (and bumpy) ride so far…. Let’s hear it for the next 43! (At least). Am I right?
As my birthdays approach, I have been known to get introspective. It got me thinking this year that I kind of like the wrinkles around my eyes. No…wait. I LOVE the wrinkles around my eyes. If they represent every laugh I have ever had with everyone I love in my life so far, then it’s a great thing to see every giggle and guffaw compressed into little creases around my eyes! By my estimation, if wrinkles are caused by laughter, then I will be one WRINKLY old lady if I make it to 100…. Because I love to laugh. I expect a few people I know will be just as wrinkly… 😉
Anyways, as I begin this part of my journey, this trip that is known as my MID-40s, I am also super proud of being in shape. (This is where some people might click that red X in the corner. Ugh, they think, here she goes again about working out, as they roll their eyes). I am in better shape now than when I was 23. Back then, I was a drinker and a smoker and I liked to party. I ate a lot of chips, smoked a lot of smokes and drank a lot of drinks. And partied a lot of parties. (Also I had a lot of sex. LOL, sorry Mom!). But then I met a guy, and then shacked up with that guy. We still partied and stuff, but then we smartened up, had a couple kids, got married somewhere in the mix, and you know, got wiser…. and along the way I got into a healthy way of living. Wow, do I ever love it!
I lift weights and run. I hike. I ski. Evenings of yoga and long swims in the lake. I can do 100 wall balls in 6 minutes. I am sadistically addicted to the muscle soreness of pushing myself.
I said to two girls this week after working out that I feel different in my body now. Like somehow I am more centered. I feel compact and strong. Aligned. It’s a lot of effort to feel this way: it isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Lugging that laundry up the stairs is no problem anymore. Splitting wood at my in-law’s is no problem anymore.
I hope that this doesn’t come across as braggy. I’m just super-dooper happy with my existence and I wanted to share it with you all. But it’s with everything in life: we all grow and change and evolve. We all have our own journey.
I am more willing to just be happy and not make major issues out of bullshit. I talk to my kids. I express my opinion with less guilt now. I take pride in my job. I bake cookies and muffins and I delight in watching things like Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad and Vikings. I say YES more than NO, but when I say no, I have zero guilt about it. I have the bestest friends and the greatest kids and the lovingest family and the dedicatest husband and the funniest laughs. But, I also sink low with sad times, I struggle with self-hate, I find my joy and carry on. I fuck up and do stupid things but then I try to make it right and forgive myself and move on. I can be a real asshole sometimes. I swear like a trucker. If I love you, I will have your back any time. I tried painting and sucked at it. I have a bit of a temper. I sometimes judge people. But every day I feel myself get a little bit better.
If that is what it is to get older, then I think I’m getting the hang of it all. Learning to embrace the wrinkles makes it that much easier. And knowing that I can physically kick some serious ass…. well, that is the yummy icing on this delicious cake of my life.