For my son.

16 01 2013

In some ways, the memory of the birth of my firstborn child is so fresh it hurts. And in other ways it is so foreign and removed and so long ago that it is like a story I am telling that isn’t really mine, as if I am recounting a movie plot or a book I read.

Did I really do that? Grow a child and give birth, primal and bloody? Did I actually nurse him and marvel day in and day out at his emerging chubbiness and funny faces? Was his hand actually able to fit in the palm of mine? Was his first utterance of  “mama” as full of love and sweetness and breathtaking innocence as I imagine it was?

He is turning 14 in two days. He is now two inches taller than me. He gives me the side eye when I go for a fist bump. We laugh a lot, we drive one another crazy. He is a true teenager in all his loud music and sarcasm and angst and moodiness, but still with a surprising need for heartfelt mothering every now and then. He creates his art with subtle ease, sketches of dragons appearing on the paper like medieval dreams poured from his soul. He is nothing like I expected he would be and everything I wanted but never knew I did.

With all the days gone by now swept into the recesses of my mind, I find myself not regretting the passage of time with too much bitterness. Rather I find myself feeling lucky and joyous that I was privileged enough to experience all of this. All of this: the  joy and precious moments and frustration and exuberant kisses and true deep love. And what keeps me grounded and not frivolous in my sadness of time gone by is that no matter what, I will always get to be his mother. It will never be taken from me. My baby will forever be mine in my heart. And I can only hope that the experience of being his mother will be mine for years and years to come. So that I can witness his growth into whoever he may become.

And that will always be enough for me.

Happy birthday Nick.

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16 responses

17 01 2013
Kim

Aww man! I was just telling Les yesterday about seeing his sweet little face emerge….14 years! Happy Happy Day to you, and our precious Nick. Ain’t life grand! What a beautiful piece of writing Kris…it’ll be with me all day long.

17 01 2013
Kris

Thanks for always reading. It means so much to me to have your support!!

17 01 2013
Angie

I love this. You know I have so many of those same feelings about my sons. It’s truly a special love… mother and son.

17 01 2013
Kris

It’s pretty amazing, ain’t it?

17 01 2013
Lana Torwalt

Awwww, beautiful words. He’s a very lucky boy to have you for a Mom!

18 01 2013
Kris

Thank you Lana!!

17 01 2013
Jenny Heston

Gorgeous! He is a lucky boy to have you in his life and you are a wonderful mumma and woman to celebrate having him share yours.

18 01 2013
Kris

Thanks Jenny!

18 01 2013
Cindy

Totally agree with your “everything I wanted but never knew I did” description of being a Mom of a son. I have two sons, both just over 30 now and feel the same way about both of them. Thanks for sharing.

19 01 2013
Kris

Thank you for reading, Cindy. Having a son is a wonderful experience!

19 01 2013
annick

Beautiful…

21 01 2013
Kris

Thanks Annick! xo

21 01 2013
Ronda

As always Kris, you never fail to write so beautifully. You are able to put my feelings into words, something I can’t do. What an amazing gift you have. Happy Birthday to Nick… and Happy Momma to you!

21 01 2013
Kris

Thank you so much Aunty Ronda! 🙂

21 01 2013
maria

Awwww… what a beautiful letter! I can totally relate with your feelings and emotions of being a mama to such awesome human being. You’re absolutely right about ‘feeling lucky and joyous’… it’s a privilege to be a mom and I say these kids are so darn lucky to have us as their MOMS too! You rock! 🙂 Happy birthday, Nick and Happy birth-day to you too!

22 01 2013
Kris

Thanks Maria! Your boys are pretty fantastic too!

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