Who we were and who we are.

18 04 2011

I was never popular. In either elementary or high school. I never mastered the art of whatever it was that the girls who were popular had going for them. I tried, make no doubt about it. My efforts at fitting in only ended up with me feeling like an ass and the coveted popular girl giving me a side-eye rife with pity and disdain. I begged my mother for whatever fashion was hip at the moment, I wore my hair just like all the others. But somehow I always fell short. I failed miserably, ending up spending quite a bit on my own while others I knew had oodles of friends and attended parties, hung out together at the arcade, went to weekend hockey games; laughing with bright eyes and confidence. And yet I struggled, stumbled, tried so hard.

I was called names like Mutt-face, Bitch and Slut. I was ridiculed, not invited to parties, mocked and deserted. I was picked on something fierce sometimes.

Was I too loud? Was I too desperate? Was I too tall? Was I just not funny enough/cool enough/smart enough/dumb enough…. enough enough enough???? I’ll never know. Those years between 13 and 18 have molded a part of me into something I can’t quite put my finger on but in that I sometimes still look at myself as a clumsy, oafish, galooty loser with big glasses and zits and a tendency to never ever fit in, no matter how hard I tried.

I spent much of my youth writing out my angst in journals and living in an I-wish sort of world. I had some friends, who managed to mingle with the side of popularity that I never got to dabble in. I did have some fun, I enjoyed most of my teen years. I came into my own around the time I turned 16. I found strength in me to choose to not give a fuck what others thought of me, and that still resonates within me. I chose my own path, wore what I wanted to wear (skin-tight jeans and a black leather tassled jacket. HEY! It was the 80s people….), refused to adhere to what others thought as important.

It gave me power in my own soul, but it also back-fired on me. Rumours swirled about me and my tendency to sleep with any guy (the truth much different, naturally, I blame the pants, big hair and leather jacket), the popular girls still didn’t give me the time of day; I was in a fist-fight with one of those girls, who hated me so much she chose to try to punch my lights out, in grade 11. I wonder now, does she know what she did? Is she raising her children to be better than that? Why did she hate me so much? What on earth did I do to her to warrant a physical attack?

One of those popular girls that I admired and wanted so desperately to be friends with way back then has, sweetly and ironically turned out to be one person that gives me strength today. She knows who she is!

When I think back to those days, it truly has no real resonance in my life anymore. But that doesn’t mean that it didn’t back then. Sneers and whispers were rents torn in the fabric of my spirit. I was a sweet girl with lots to offer, yet those whom I wanted to please wanted nothing to do with me. My 14 year-old self was tattered and morose, labeled a geek, loser, nobody. For some reason, I was chosen to be not chosen.

I am no different than that girl. I am a universe away from that girl. Her and I share everything and have nothing in common. She is defined by the same as I am, yet I refuse to be relegated into what she was defined to be. I weep for her, she was so sweet and kind and only wanted to belong. I belong. Therefore, I have brought her to me, snugged her in to my heart, and comforted her as she still, to this day, desperately tries to fit in.

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16 responses

18 04 2011
Tobias

Love*

19 04 2011
Kris

🙂

18 04 2011
Lana Torwalt

Kris, OMG!!!!! I had no idea you were treated this way. I sure hope I was not one of the morons who ever did any of this. If I was, I didn’t realize it and am truly sorry. I really find it hard to believe. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you made it up but I’ve told you before, I often admired you and wished we were better friends even back then. I thought you were COOL!!! I never heard any nasty rumors about you if it matters. I can’t stand things like this. I felt this way myself from time to time and just thought it was me or that maybe everyone had struggles at some time or another. But I really wish you would never have had to feel the way you felt back then as I believe you had no reason to. I always thought you were the sweet, kind girl that you truly were. I also thought you were beautiful and let me tell you, you still are. Baah, I could go cry now. I, choose you. oxo

19 04 2011
Kris

I think the vast majority of us, “popular” or not felt like this at one point or another, since being a teenager is one of the hardest phases of life…. But no, you never were!!! 🙂 thanks so much for always reading my posts! It means the world to me! xo

18 04 2011
Cam

Kris, I never considered those girls popular. We were popular in our own group,and it didn’t matter what some of those others thought of you. You had and still have friends who loved you for just who you were and are today. Do you really think they raised their children better? It’s second or third generation trash. That’s all we thought some were and that’s all they turned out to be. We all went through teenaged angst. I always wanted to be skinnier and prettier. Here i am 20 years later and you know what i have just subjected myself to. For
whose idea of beauty? I tell Allie all the time, pretty is as pretty does. A reminder to her that she may be a decent looking kid, but it doesn’t mean shit if you can’t treat people as you yourself want to be treated. Whose idea of popularity ever mattered. All we can hope is to teach our children better. Those years of teenage angst shape us, they make us who we are today. It makes us stronger, so when our little girls go through the exact same shit, we can empower them and make them realize how perfect they are, just as they are. Without us going and knocking the shit out of the little bitch that made our girl cry or feel bad about themselves. Look at the lives some of those girls had? Did they really have it better? Nope. Those who loved you then, will always love you. Just as you are. I only wish we were all geographically closer. Imagine the times we could have now. Sometimes it’s our old Friends who love us the most. They are the ones we could count on back then and they are the ones we can count on today. I love you Kris and I think you have grown into a phenomal woman. I always have been, and always will be proud to call you my friend.

19 04 2011
Kris

Thanks Cam. I never meant this post to be a “woe is me” sort of thing, because I did have you guys as my besties, and we had some really good times in school. It was something that I thought of the other day, how something so many years ago can still have an impact (slight as it may be) on our current lives….

And oh, how I wish we could all get together like the old days!!

Love you so much!

18 04 2011
Cam

Just adding I hate trying to type on this fucking iPad. Excuse any typos.:)

19 04 2011
Kris

Duly excused… LOL!

18 04 2011
annick

you’re so awesome, and you’re a terrific mom.

19 04 2011
Kris

Right back at ya! Love you!

18 04 2011
Kim

Kris,
How interesting it is to read your words. Too me you were always the tall, willowy, beautiful one who said whatever the hell she felt like and had the hottest clothes. I thought you were strong, opinionated and knew exactly who you were. I SO wanted to be you. I envied your friendships, your cool mom and this inner confidence you seemed to radiate. I’m happy to hear that girl I so envied is not far gone.

19 04 2011
Kris

I think it shows us how we truly don’t “see” ourselves sometimes, and that we are our own worst and hardest critics… Thanks Kim, it means a lot to hear what you think!!

19 04 2011
Kendall

Wow… I’m shocked! When I was younger I admired you so much and thought you were amazing!! I feel/felt the same way as Kim… I thought you were the popular one… strong… confident…opinionated older cuz that I so wanted to be like!
It’s funny tho reading your words, because it seems you wrote about my life! I felt those feelings, dressed like the others, tried to be what I thought they wanted and still that popularity was just out of reach for me. I too was punched by a girl just because she choose not to like me and of course was surrounded by her peers encouraging her on. (She didn’t expect tho the rath of this redhead to fight her back and kick HER ass!!)
Well, I thougt (and still do) that you were amazing and I admired you!
YOU kick ASS!!

xoxoxo
K

19 04 2011
Kris

I think many of us felt like this during those high school years. You and I, so much alike, hey?

Thanks so much for all your support and love! xoxox

19 04 2011
Ronda

Wow, I have to say I agree with what Kim wrote to… always thought you had the world by the tail… yet look what you wrote. Who would have known? Wonder writing again Kris….I love how you paint a picture of your teen years… you are amazing! ♥

19 04 2011
Kris

Thanks Ronda. I believe the experiences I had were a big part of what made me who I am today…. 🙂

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