Temper tantrums.

23 11 2010

I am a hot-head.

I have been known to fly off the handle, lose my cool and let my inner-redneck lash out at any given opportunity. Opinions have been know to fly without regard, out of my mouth, like hornets intent on the sting.

From the time I can remember from when I was young, I said what I wanted to say, consequences be damned.  It generally never ended well for me. Arguments, hurt feelings, disagreements, awkward silences….. bitter icing on the bitter cake.  And just for fun, whenever I added booze to the mix, well, then, let’s just say the entertainment for the evening was set.  My friends would all laugh at me, would tease me about my temper, would sit back and enjoy the shenanigans that would inevitably come from my loud, abrasive and sometimes unkind mouth.

I hated that about me. I still do.

I think that, in a way, sometimes this isn’t a bad thing, necessarily.  Many an opinionated person has changed the course of history. I would NEVER be audacious enough to include myself in this realm, but still. Sometimes you gotta stick up for what you believe in.  But when I look back, I have usually regretted my outbursts. I would sometimes wish that I was more easy-going. Perhaps more laid back and chilled out. I would chronically beat myself up for days about what I said…. how I said it… why I said it….

Forgiveness did not come easily, if at all.

Then a little thing called yoga entered my life. I discovered a path of self-forgiveness. I realized that who I am right at this moment in time, regardless of the past or future, is perfect in its imperfections. That it is totally okay to be who I was, who I am and who I will be.

Um. Wow… talk about ENLIGHTENMENT, dude. Doesn’t that make you wanna light a spliff, man?

So, over the last decade, through my relationship with yoga, I have come to terms with my faults and even started to love them a little bit. My temper? PASSION. My opinions? A DESIRE FOR CHANGE. My (mostly unintentional) rudeness? Well, um, I’m kind of working on that.

I have made dedicated decisions to disengage from some things. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things if someone pisses me off, for me to tell that person to eff off. All it serves is to hurt that person. And ultimately bringing it back to my own worrisome self-hate. Maybe that person was just having a really shitty day, and I made it even shittier by being an asshole.  When I choose to disengange from conflict, I feel lighter. When I choose to extend compassion and kindness instead of rudeness and conflict, it might be the difference between someone having a crappy day to someone having a good day. That makes me happy.

But then, there are sometimes when all the yoga in the world will not keep me from speaking my mind.

It generally involves my kids.

Hell hath no fury like a Mama-Bear scorned.

There’s an asshat someone who lives in the area, a young man who thinks it is his God-given right to drive like a maniac through our little country community. My neighbour asked him to slow down the other day, and the young man informed my neigbour to “Fuck Off”.

The next day, I was in the local store and I saw him walk in. It took about .0002 seconds for me to decide to abandon the disengagement for a minute and confront him about his idiotic and dangerous driving habits.

I really was kind and introduced myself as a Mom of two kids. I asked him to slow down on our road and look out for my kids and pets. I said all this with a smile and (HONESTLY!!) a nice tone in my voice.

He told me he wasn’t speeding. That it was his loud muffler that made it look like he was driving too fast.

/facepalm.

Anyway, I think the message got through to him, as I have seen him driving much slower on the road.

So, baby steps for me, learning to right way to solve conflict.

I still step in it from time to time, though. The difference is that now, I can forgive myself, and honestly ask for forgiveness from the one I hurt. Most times I receive forgiveness. And when I don’t, I am learning to be okay with that too.

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7 responses

23 11 2010
Ronda

So let that be a lesson to you… don’t pick on Oprah!!! LOL…

Love the story you wrote Kris and like always, brought some tears to my eyes… and haven’t we all been there? Some more then others, but we’ve all been there. Thank you for being so honest and letting us all get a glimpse inside your soul…

You make me proud… you truly are an incredible writer, but more so, an incredible, beautiful women….

Love ya!

23 11 2010
Kris

LMAO… and let me admit that I would have LOVED to be in her audience when she gave away cars and diamond necklaces!!!

That aside, being truthful about my own faults is amazingly cathartic. Free therapy!!! Oh yeah.

23 11 2010
Melissa

ahhh reminds me of once upon a Winterfest in Kimberley. “Would you shut up?” “Why don’t you make me.” LOL It is true that we catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I gotta tell you being a nurse I have mastered the art of telling someone to fuck off in a nice polite way, all with a smile on my face. We had one fuckface one day who was being a real dick to us about the time his wife would be back from surgery. So we explained she would be back around 10:30 or 11:00. Buddy decides to get pissy and asks “well what is it? 10:30 or 11:00 Can I get a straight answer around here?’ (Dude was a real prick) So I said to him “well since we are not the surgeon and we can’t control what he will find once he begins the operation, and we can’t predict how fast or slow he will do the operation, the best we can tell you is approx. 10:30 or 11.” All while smiling. He got so pissed off he stormed out of the room. His wife was crying, we comforted her and we hugged her. Then the idiot returned….. So let that be a lesson to you, if you see a nurse smiling, she probably means “fuck off” LOL

23 11 2010
Kris

Love it!!

And I totally remember that night… Good times, Cam…
xoxo

23 11 2010
kendall

hahahahaha… must be a Laybourne trait, cuz boy-howdy, I’ve been there, oh, about a million and one times! And I know how you feel afterwards… hopefully one day I’ll be in your shoes!

PS: So luvin’ your blog!

23 11 2010
Kris

Love you cuz! xoxox

4 01 2011
Tracy

For the record…I love your inner-redneck!

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