A comedic diversion, of sorts. But then again, you might not find the humour in it….

6 06 2010

The past few posts have been a bit on the Debbie Downer side of things.  And it got me thinking that I need to put down some words that make me laugh. And really, what is better than self-deprecating humour?

Nothing, I say. Nothing….

The other day, I went for my regular bikini wax.

I have been a “waxee” for some time now. And, in the past, I have dabbled in the delicate art of being a “waxer”.

It’s my one “beauty” indulgence. TMI, perhaps, for some people. Feel free to leave now, if reading about ripping hair out of delicate areas via warm wax and strips of cloth make you squirm….

Yeah, I wax my bits. And while I laid back on that table covered in crinkly paper with no pants on, it really made me ponder about the…. intimacy, shall we say of this sort of female beauty rite that it offers both parties involved. By which I mean, the waxee and waxer.

Since, generally speaking, laying on a table under harsh lights without pants on means you’re at the doctor’s office for your annual you-know-what smear. Or, if you’re a sexual deviant, it could be a regular Tuesday night….. Either way, it’s compromising to say the least.

No doubt, being the waxee is the easy part in entailing the *cough* work that has to be done. However, easy isn’t exactly quite the descriptive word I would use while laying there with all manner of lady parts exposed for some stranger to come in and cause agony and torture upon.

I’ve had it done for a while now, so it isn’t nearly as bad as some people would fear. But let me be clear. Pulling hair out by its roots hurts. Being half naked with your leg up in the air or bent at a compromising angle while some person’s face is in your bizness WHILE the hair is being ripped out adds a whole new and fascinating layer to the experience.

It causes questions to arise in my brain that I would rather not type out loud. But between you and I, these questions make me giggle.

Ah, what the hell. These are the things I think about. And I know you wonder about too.

“Gee whiz, do I look, ya know, normal?”
“Oh, that wax is nice and war….*rip*… OHMYGODITHURTSSOBAD! YOU EVIL BITCH FROM HELL!!!! I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!”
“Oh, God. Is she plucking hairs? Can she get her face any closer?”
“She’s looking at my butt. SHE IS LOOKING AT MY BUTT!!!!!”
“Dear sweet baby jeebus, she’s got the tweezers again! This is worse than water-boarding, I swear.”
“Wait. Did she just ask for me to hold this part tight away from that part? Is that even legal?”
“Please let me be the least-repulsive client ever… pleasepleaseplease…”
“Hm. I should ask her if my ‘roid looks okay. HAHAHAHA!!!!”

….and so forth.

Well, the things we women do. We wax, we pluck, we dye, we preen, we slather, we continuously search for that magic elixir to keep our beauty and sex appeal alive.

We place ourselves in predicaments that men would likely be alarmed and maybe slightly turned on if they even knew the half of what we do to maintain our level of beauty. Torturous, expensive, revealing, and completely superfluous.

And this wasn’t even a Brazilian.

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15 responses

6 06 2010
Tanya

Yep. Typical Tuesday night 😉
I think it’s worse to be the “waxer” as opposed to the “waxee” too….only because the spectrum of cootch that they must see in a day we couldn’t even imagine….well….that is, unless you’ve had a good friend decide that you haven’t lived until you have seen what is referred to as a “blue waffle”……apparently…. 😉

6 06 2010
Kris

Spectrum of cooch! That’s HILARIOUS!!!! Too funny!

6 06 2010
Melissa

I would rather be the waxer. Seen one vag you’ve seen them all. That’s the beauty of being a nurse, you see vag, a lot of it. You see dick a lot of that too, and boobs. Seen one you’ve seen ’em all. You just don’t care anymore. Your waxer is desensitized to seeing vag. No worries Kris, she could care less and as long as you aren’t farting in her face…Well more power to her. LOL

7 06 2010
Kris

*snort* Thanks for the support Cam. You make me laugh!

7 06 2010
bigsis

I went to the OB/GYN this morning, and I had similar thoughts. I always like it to be a woman, so when she says, “this might pinch a little bit” she at least knows what it feels like.

7 06 2010
Kris

Ugh. The crap we women put up with in our lives!

7 06 2010
BodyForWife

My wife went for the laser treatment, which over the long term I believe is less expensive.

As I get older my back gets hairier. I get my wife to used the trimmers with no guard on it about once a month, but one day I’d like to get it lasered. I’ve tried waxing a few times and not matter what kind of post-treatment I tried I ended up with back acne, which looks worse than the hair. Gross.

And since you went TMI, so will I. The one thing that I do rip out personally is nose hair. It seems to grow so fast that I was having to use scissors every two days, so now I just suck it up and tweeze those fuckers out every couple of weeks.

My ears are starting to get pretty hairy too. Man, getting old sucks. I’m turning into a fucking Wookie.

7 06 2010
Kris

Oh, man…. I’m laughing my ass off right now.

7 06 2010
Melissa

Don’t forget to trim those eyebrows. They get some funky ass long wiry suckers coming outta there. A fellow nurse and I always trim old men eyebrows and old lady moustaches. Our eyebrow results are getting better. LOL

7 06 2010
annick

When I cut Dave’s hair I also give him an eyebrow trim & check his ear lobes for any hairs too & pluck them out!! I won’t let him walk around with 3 inch long eyebrows & hairy ears… reminds me of my grammpa!!

7 06 2010
Kris

I’m always fixing Dan’s brows too. No bushy caterpillar-brows…

11 06 2010
LiLu

I had one once.

It ended with “Okay, now tuck your knees to your chest.”

I didn’t go back.

<— wuss

11 06 2010
Kris

Ah, you went for the “French Cut”… niiiice.

22 01 2011
Lana Torwalt

OMG!!! I am laughing so hard! I just can’t stop…Thanks, I needed that!

23 01 2011
Kris

Hahah!! You are SO welcome!

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