And, no, my last name isn’t Kervorkian.

28 08 2009

I am the exuberant owner of a 25 gallon freshwater aquarium. I love my fish, which consist of varied cichlids.  Love them so much, in an admittedly fanatical and weird way, that when we watch the tank, we call it FishTV and also, that they have names. Awesome, cool and righteous names like Dave, Sunshine, Lil Sharky, Marvin, Megan, Morgan, Julie and (my personal favorite) Stella McSnazzypants. Some of these little fellers I have had for over 5 years now.

Anyway, last year I had 2 angelfish. One was Flash, a sassy female with black stripes. (She’s kind of a rebel, that one…) and FatBoy Slim, a huge solid silver angelfish with wise red eyes and a peaceful outlook on life. (Yeah, I am Teh Gay….) One day, I went to feed them, and saw that FatBoy Slim was swimming upside down. I laughed, and then he righted himself and ate his breakfast and carried on to his fish-day of courting Flash and chasing the other fish around the tank and pooping a lot. Good times in fish land world, my friends. Good times.

But I soon noticed that he would inexplicably and slowly turn upside down and swim for longer stretches of time. I watched him do this, and I swear he was looking at me thinking “Hey Bitch!!! WTF is going on? Help me out here, for the love of God!!!!!”

I looked up his symptoms. Swim Bladder Disease. Not usually fatal in itself, but being in a closed aquarium, the other bad-asses were now attacking him as he floated upside down in a vulnerable state.

FatBoy Slim was dying.

I can’t let things suffer, so I looked up how to euthanize a fish. Yeah, oddly, there’s TONS of info about that on the interwebs….

I prepared a bowl, filled it with water and clove oil. Grimly, I caught FatBoy Slim and put him in the Bowl of Death.

My kids were interested.

Well, he swam (upside down) for a few minutes until the clove oil slowly made him drowsy. And then, the piece de resistance. I took a bottle of Stoli and poured about a half cup into his water.

Then I waited.

My kids were very interested now.

We conceded after about an hour, that FatBoy Slim was either very close to death, as there was no movement at all, or just reeeeeeaaaaaally drunk. Either way, I knew it was time for the final act.

FatBoy Slim met his maker on my kitchen counter top, wrapped in a paper towel, via my rolling pin.

That motherf*cker held on to the last remnants of life with a strange vigor I can only attribute to very good vodka. I had to wack him three times before he *sniff* died.

I didn’t like doing that. But what I hated even more was to see him get slowly pulled apart and nibbled by the other fish.

We buried him in my daughter’s flower garden, and laid a lovely rock memorial on his tiny grave.

Flash went to live with my sister’s fish, as the other cichlids soon began to terrorize her, eating her lovely long fins down to nothing. She has reigned supreme in her new home, growing her fins back to their former glory. Sadly, though, I got the call the other day. Flash is starting to swim upside down now too…… I wonder if my Kervorkian-esque ability will be needed over there…

FatBoy Slim and Flash