Lost and Found

16 04 2009

Do you ever have moments in your life when nothing is apparent? I have struggled to find what has been bothering me lately. I am feeling a bit low on my spectrum, which for me, is unusual. Generally upbeat and optimistic, I can usually find the brightness of a dark day.

Slogging through the last few days, mired down with a heavy heart, I have been questioning the pessimism that is dancing within me. Am I unhappy? Am I dissatisfied with my life? Am I impatient for something unknown to happen? I find myself on the verge of tears, catching me off guard, like being stung by a wasp in the winter time. I do not like feeling morose for no reason. It eats at my spirit, interfering with the love I wrap around my family on a day to day basis.

Last night, at yoga, we asked ourselves this question: “How am I feeling right now?” It became so intimate, all of a sudden, that I fought the urge to leave! This class became for me a therapy session. In quiet, I listened to my heart. I stilled my mind to hear the whisper. At first, I knew the answer was there, but I really didn’t want to hear it. I wanted the voice to tell me something different. I thought I needed an easy answer. That I was worried about money, that I was mad at my husband.

The whisper I heard was me. It was painfully obvious and I didn’t want to hear it. It was me. My fabrification of importance. My self-indulgent misery for made-up reasons. True, I am always seeking a fuller existence. I realized that I had forgotten how to live. It wasn’t a slap to the face awakening, but a gentle kiss on the forehead, admonishing me for self-pity. There are no problems in my life. There are no obstacles set in my path that I feel are too large to navigate. There is me. And my choice to live with an open heart. I was choosing to not listen to the wondrous child within, closing the door upon the blue pearl in my soul.

I awoke this morning and opened my curtains and saw brilliant blue sky, snow covered mountains. I heard the chickadees calling, the robins preaching. I felt the soft, sweet, cool air upon my skin. I felt a stirring of love, washing away the guilt of self-indulgence.

I awoke this morning. And felt myself wake up.

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4 responses

16 04 2009
Connie

Fantastic. What a breath of fresh spring air! Thanks for the gentle nudge into consciousness.

16 04 2009
rhaya

That was beautifully honest Kris and I think we all find ourselves in that very place now and then. Thanks for the reminder to listen to our voice within. =)

16 04 2009
Ellen

Wow, Kris, Thank you.
To be able to listen to yourself is an amazing gift and then using the words to share it with the people around you is inspiring.
A choice to live with an open heart is what I will take with me on my path,
Thank you again

16 04 2009
Kris

I thank each of you…. My heart is even more wide open, thanks to all of you, my friends.

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