Lost and Found

16 04 2009

Do you ever have moments in your life when nothing is apparent? I have struggled to find what has been bothering me lately. I am feeling a bit low on my spectrum, which for me, is unusual. Generally upbeat and optimistic, I can usually find the brightness of a dark day.

Slogging through the last few days, mired down with a heavy heart, I have been questioning the pessimism that is dancing within me. Am I unhappy? Am I dissatisfied with my life? Am I impatient for something unknown to happen? I find myself on the verge of tears, catching me off guard, like being stung by a wasp in the winter time. I do not like feeling morose for no reason. It eats at my spirit, interfering with the love I wrap around my family on a day to day basis.

Last night, at yoga, we asked ourselves this question: “How am I feeling right now?” It became so intimate, all of a sudden, that I fought the urge to leave! This class became for me a therapy session. In quiet, I listened to my heart. I stilled my mind to hear the whisper. At first, I knew the answer was there, but I really didn’t want to hear it. I wanted the voice to tell me something different. I thought I needed an easy answer. That I was worried about money, that I was mad at my husband.

The whisper I heard was me. It was painfully obvious and I didn’t want to hear it. It was me. My fabrification of importance. My self-indulgent misery for made-up reasons. True, I am always seeking a fuller existence. I realized that I had forgotten how to live. It wasn’t a slap to the face awakening, but a gentle kiss on the forehead, admonishing me for self-pity. There are no problems in my life. There are no obstacles set in my path that I feel are too large to navigate. There is me. And my choice to live with an open heart. I was choosing to not listen to the wondrous child within, closing the door upon the blue pearl in my soul.

I awoke this morning and opened my curtains and saw brilliant blue sky, snow covered mountains. I heard the chickadees calling, the robins preaching. I felt the soft, sweet, cool air upon my skin. I felt a stirring of love, washing away the guilt of self-indulgence.

I awoke this morning. And felt myself wake up.