A Lifelong Affliction.

3 02 2009

I have foot in mouth disease. Yes. Yes, I do. You aren’t shocked, if you know me. That excruciating condition of placing my idiotic, blabbermouth foot directly into my giant should-always-think-before-speaking maw.

In my time  I have said and done some socially inappropriate things. I have, in no particular order:

-Asked an overweight woman if she was pregnant.

-Referred to myself as “handicapped” when I couldn’t open a jug of cream, in front of a woman in a wheel chair.

-Called a guy I knew “Cancer-Man”, because he was always smoking, just like that character called Cancer-Man from that old show The X-Files, who was also always smoking cigarettes. Yeah, and of course, this poor guy was going through cancer treatment. ( This irony of smoking with cancer was not lost on me though….)

-Asked a infertile woman if she was pregnant.

-Tried to pull a kid’s finger when he farted, and yeah, you guessed it, he was a thalidomide baby. He only had two fingers on each hand.

But you see, I have no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings, and I definitely don’t go out and purposely try to make myself look like an asshole. Yet, these truthfully passive but outrageously insulting comments and actions just come out of nowhere and bitch-slap the hell out of a nice social situation. Bitch-slaps it, farts in its face, spits on it and renders me, for the moment, a social pariah of sorts.

On American Idol the other night, Ryan Seacrest was interviewing a blind contestant, and to congratulate him Ryan tried to high five him, obviously to no avail. After I cringed and even blushed for the poor idiot, I laughed, only because I know that I would do the. same. fucking. thing.

I once worked with a woman who named my disease “Krisitis”. And, yeah, holy crap, that still makes me laugh. Good times.

Anyway, I usually end up fretting about it non-stop, constantly replaying the scene in my mind, second-guessing the whole degrading incident, horrified over and over again at my cringe-inducing behaviour. And these flashbacks tend to linger. You know, it’s been years since I exclaimed to Debbie, “Oh, congratulations! You’re pregnant!”, a sweet woman who was only experiencing the difficulty of losing 25 pounds (I only know this because she told me.) after having a couple children. As adults, as mommies, we all know that story now, how hard it is, how achingly defeative it can be for some women. Ugh. It’s like I lobbed a big old insult sandwich at her and it spewed gooey abuse all over her somewhat large tummy, all over what we now refer to as a “muffin top”. Poor Debbie. Can you imagine what it’s like when a perky skinny teenager who occasionally babysits for you asks you if you’re pregnant? And you’re not? And I wonder sometimes if she stood in front of that mirror later on and maybe had a little cry over that. I sure didn’t mean it like that though, and I constantly question where this comes from, these off-the-cuff remarks, hurtful and slicing. They fly unheeded from my mouth, these words that I never mean to be hurtful.

Maybe I have Tourette’s.

I could list multitudes of embarrassing breaches of etiquette that I have committed. Humbly, I know that in retrospect, these make some amusing stories to share with girlfriends over glasses of wine. We all have our moments. I just happen to have way more than others.

I will leave you with this. When I was about four years old, I approached a man of African descent, and, in front of my mortified mother,  asked him if he was “the same colour all over.”

I have to take a deep breath and reluctantly admit that this has been a life long affliction.

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10 responses

4 02 2009
kendall pols

Atta Girl!! Today of all days I needed a good laugh and thanks to you I got it! I think this must run in the family… I kinda have the same ‘Krisitis’! I too have asked a women “when are you due”, and found out her baby was already 10 months old! Mortified, I apologized profusely and slinked my way out of the store. Still… I understand how you fret and worry and chew it up and DON’T spit it out… I’m the same. Incidents will pop in my mind from years ago and I’ll replay them… again… with all the “I should have said’s”… well… at least we can laugh at our selves, eh?! Just a lil side note… this ‘Krisitis’ that you have… makes you even more delicious!! Luv ya!

4 02 2009
Jennie

I think the real travesty here is not foot-in-mouth disease, but that you watch American Idol?!?!?!

4 02 2009
Kris

Hahaha, yep… It’s awful. And like an accident scene, I just have to look…

5 02 2009
Raven

You just embody that kind of energy Kris. I think you have a large dose of charisma! It probably is hard for some people to take but for people like me, we are drawn to it. You grab the moment as it is here. I think it scares some people for it shows them all the things they are like yet don’t act on. We all have these tendencies to say things before we speak at some point. I tend to keep more in and that is not always good either. I love that you are straight to the point and don’t take any shit. But any one that knows you also knows you have a heart of gold. You are strong package, for sure. But that is who you are and we all come with things. I have many memories of things I did that make my neck hurt from the twitching of my head when I remember. But that is how we learn and grow. I have never met a perfect person and as I always say Fuck’em if thay can’t take a joke!

5 02 2009
Annick

As the saying goes… “What other people think of you is none of your business…!” Isn’t that great!!
There’s no use fretting!
I just love you to bits Kris…. You’re such a great gal.

6 02 2009
rhaya

“I will leave you with this. When I was about four years old, I approached a man of African descent, and, in front of my mortified mother, asked him if he was “the same colour all over.””

I just about spit my coffee all over my computer screen!!!

The most recent one that comes to mind for me was sitting in my truck (while it was running) out in Harrop as one of Seain’s friends stopped by, he’s happens to be the president & founder of Insight (I’m not name dropping but it is important to the story :O ) Anyway, as he comes and says hi to me my Ford truck starts beeping (loud) as I didn’t have my seatbelt on. I proceed to tell him what a “freaking stupid god-damn piece of shit feature this is” to which he replies that “it was my company that made it.” I don’t think he saw the humour in the whole situation. =/

Good Times! 😉

6 02 2009
Kris

Oh man, Rhaya…. I can obviously relate…. Ugh… But also, extremely funny!!!!!

Thanks Annick and Raven… You guys are such lovely women and precious friends….

Kendall, it must run in the family, hey?!?!?!

6 02 2009
Melissa

Kris, you’ve had the verbal diarrhea for as long as I’ve known you. Remember this one “what are you fucking retarded”? I think it was grade 11, and the answer was yes he was.

6 02 2009
Kris

Ah, Jaysus, yes… One of my less shining moments as a caring human being….. Although it was a good laugh at the time….

24 02 2009
Jodi

So if I can stop laughing long enough to type….you are so freaking funny! I love your ability to look at yourself without the rose-colored glasses! Now you just need to love yourself for it. While you are busy second guessing yourself, we, your friends, are either laughing our asses off or wishing that we too could say what we think instead of sitting there with polite smiles on our faces not wanting to offend anyone! Of all the things I love about you, your ability to say what you think, whether it be funny, offensive, or warmhearted, is definitely on the top of my list!

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